


It'll All Make Sense Again

by theaandmelitta



Category: Spring Awakening - Sheik/Sater
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Deaf Character, Gen, also they're not together in this but like. they will be., basically just talking about what it's like to be gay in a small southern town, bc it can suck. but it can also be okay.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-15
Updated: 2018-05-15
Packaged: 2019-05-07 07:24:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14666196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theaandmelitta/pseuds/theaandmelitta
Summary: A forgotten hoodie leads to a conversation that Hanschen really needs.





	It'll All Make Sense Again

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this a little over a year ago for an AU that I was developing. I edited it a bit and am posting it now because sometimes I just need a reminder that A. I can write okay things and B. being gay in a small, Southern town is hard sometimes but I'll be okay.

Hanschen stands outside of the church, clutching a hoodie that isn’t his and hoping to God he’s in the right place. He’s here to return the hoodie to Ernst if he actually remembers correctly and Ernst goes to the Catholic church. He asked Thea before he left the house, but she just slammed her bedroom door in his face and Melitta was in ballet class, so he couldn’t consult her either. So now, here he is, loitering outside a church, hoping he’s at least loitering outside the correct church.

On the walk here, Hanschen came up with a plethora of excuses as to why he had to return the hoodie now instead of just waiting until tomorrow morning - Ernst is always cold in the morning, it’s Ernst’s favorite hoodie, he was just tired of being cooped up with Thea - but, in all honesty, he just wanted to see his friend. Over the past few weeks, Hanschen’s found that he really enjoys Ernst’s company, and much more so than any of the other boys they go to school with.

Hanschen stops fidgeting once people start leaving the building, none of them people he recognizes, he notes. Eventually, Ernst exits as well, followed closely by a boy Hanschen’s never seen before. At least now he knows he got the right church.

Ernst’s friend is lanky and red-haired, and he laughs and talks with Ernst, who laughs right back. The boy tucks a folder under his arm and signs something to Ernst, making him laugh even harder and, even though Hanschen is starting to feel something akin to jealousy, he can’t bring himself to interrupt the two. He just stands there awkwardly, and dammit, Hanschen Rilow never does _anything_ awkwardly.

The boy eventually bids Ernst goodbye and heads toward the parking lot, so Hanschen takes that as his chance to talk to him.

“Ernst!” he calls out, walking across the parking lot briskly in order to stop his friend from leaving.

He makes his way over to Ernst, who’s watching the red haired guy walk to his car, and touches his arm to get his attention. Ernst startles slightly, but once he realizes it’s Hanschen, he smiles warmly. Hanschen can’t help but smile back.

“Hello, Hanschen!” he responds, and Hanschen pretends that hearing Ernst say his name isn’t making him happier already.

“ _You left your hoodie at school_ ,” he signs in reply. He holds the article of clothing out to the boy, who takes it eagerly.

“Oh, thank you!” Ernst says, hugging it to his chest. “I thought I’d lost it forever!”

“ _Melitta said you left it after math class so I thought I’d return it_ ,” Hanschen replies, hoping that Ernst won’t catch on how unnecessary all of this is. Thankfully, he doesn’t. He just looks extremely excited as he pulls the hoodie over his head. 

“ _Thank you so much, Hanschen,_ ” Ernst replies, signing now as well. “ _My Hufflepuff hoodie is my favorite_.” 

Hanschen almost tells Ernst that he knows, but then realizes how weird it might be that he does. He covers it up with, “ _Oh, I’m a Slytherin._ ” 

Ernst grins and replies, “ _I thought so._ ”

Hanschen doesn’t even bother being surprised or vaguely offended - he knows he’s just about the epitome of Slytherin-ness. Thea has told him as much on several occasions, though those conversations always ended with Thea and Melitta declaring that they were Slytherins as well.

Things get awkward again, or at least for Hanschen, so naturally, he asks, “ _Who was the guy you were talking to a minute ago?_ ”

“ _Who?_ ” Ernst asks, looking around as if that will provide him with an answer. He turns back to Hanschen after a moment and signs, “ _Oh, you mean Robert?_ ”

“ _The red-haired guy?_ ” Hanschen asks.

Ernst nods. “ _Yeah, he plays the piano for the youth chorus. We’ve been friends forever._ ” Then, as an after thought, he adds, “ _He’s a senior._ ”

“ _You’re in the chorus?_ ” Hanschen asks, and Ernst shakes his head with a laugh.

“ _No, but Anna is,_ ” he replies. “ _Otto and I watch the rehearsals sometimes and I like to help with the upkeep of the church._ ”

“Oh, okay,” Hanschen mutters and glances up at the building.

“ _I really do love this place, you know_ ,” Ernst says, unprompted. “ _It feels like home to me_.” 

Hanschen makes a noise halfway between a scoff and a sigh. “ _No church ever felt like home to me_.”

“Oh?” Ernst hums. “ _Why not?_ ”

“ _I was never particularly religious_ ,” Hanschen replies. He hesitates, then adds, “ _The people telling me I was going to burn in hell at every turn kind of made it worse_.”

Ernst looks absolutely affronted as he signs, “ _Why would they tell you that?_ ”

Hanschen can’t tell if he’s irritated or heartened by Ernst’s utter sincerity. Either way, he tries to keep any sarcasm out of his stature as he replies, “ _I’m bi, Ernst. They weren’t too fond of me kissing boys_.”

“ _Well, that was rude of them,_ ” Ernst replies.

“ _Are they not like that here?_ ” Hanschen asks, genuinely curious. Why else would a gay boy be so involved in a church? But then, the area was more conservative than the one Hanschen grew up in, so how accepting could they really be?

“ _I wouldn’t know_ ,” Ernst signs with a shrug.

“ _How wouldn’t you know?_ ” Hanschen signs incredulously.

Ernst shrugs again, and Hanschen’s confused as to how nonchalant he’s being. “ _I’ve never asked them_.” 

“ _What, and they don’t know you’re gay?_ ” Hanschen asks and thinks, not for the first time tonight, he’s accidentally crossed a line.

Ernst shakes his head. “ _I didn’t think to tell them._ ”

“ _Why not?_ ” Hanschen asks. To him, being out is a bit of a no-brainer. Everyone at his school back in Maryland knew; it was just common knowledge about him. Hanschen Rilow - blond haired, academically gifted, and bisexual. “ _If anyone reacted badly you’d know who to cut from your life_.”

“ _It’s not like that,_ ” replies Ernst. “ _I like these people. I don’t want anything to change._ ” 

“ _Wouldn’t it be for the better, though?_ ” Hanschen asks, and he hopes Ernst realizes he’s being genuine. By coming out, he might have shot himself in the foot when it came to his relationship with the church, but it had been absolutely worth it.

“ _No!_ ” Ernst signs hurriedly. He calms himself before continuing. “ _I’ve grown up with these people, Hanschen. I’m part of the community. I don’t want to throw that away, and it’s not like I’m hiding something, either. They don’t need to know about my sexuality in order to really know me._ ”

“ _But doesn’t it hurt knowing they probably wouldn’t accept it?_ ” Hanschen asks and, really, the question is more about him than it is about Ernst. Plenty of people hadn’t accepted him after he came out and, although losing the people hadn’t hurt too much, the opinion itself had more than stung. It  _did_ hurt knowing some of his friends and family would never look at him the same way again. It hurt the way hiding his identity and being ashamed of himself did.

Ernst shakes his head again, but then he nods. “ _Maybe a little. But they’re a different kind of people than we are, Hanschen. They don’t understand what it’s like._ ” Hanschen nods, even though he doesn’t quite get it. “ _Besides, a lot of them are old. Their ideals are outdated, if you ask me._ ”

Hanschen smiles a little and signs an agreement. It still sounds like settling to him, but maybe things really are different in Ernst’s mind.

“ _And besides_ ,” Ernst signs, “ _the really important people know. Otto and Anna and Robert know, and they’re the only ones whose opinions on it matter, really._ ”

Despite his better judgment, Hanschen raises an eyebrow and signs, “ _Oh really? Robert knows?_ ”

“ _He’s gay, too, you know_ ,” Ernst signs with an affectionate smile. “ _I used to have the biggest crush on him._ ”

To cover any dumb jealousy that may or may not be resurfacing, Hanschen nudges his shoulder and raises his eyebrows suggestively. He figures that’s the right thing to do since it’s what he’d do if Melitta or, say, Wendla was talking about somebody they liked.

Ernst shoves at his shoulder playfully and replies, “ _I don’t like him anymore, silly. He’s got a boyfriend now and they’re very cute together._ ”

“ _Oh, really? Who?_ ” asks Hanschen, as if he’s going to know who the guy is. It’s just the natural progression of conversation, he guesses.

“ _A guy named Alex,_ ” he replies with a smile. “ _I think he knows Moritz._ ”

Not for the first time, Hanschen’s wondering what being a gay kid in a town like this entails. It’s Moritz not learning the word bisexual until he was 14, Anna saying that she’s never seen a pride flag in person, Ernst resolving never to come out to a community he otherwise feels at home in. Hanschen can’t say he likes it, not for him and certainly not for his sisters, but if Ernst is right, there’s a chance for things to be something akin to okay. Maybe it won’t be as horrible as Hanschen originally thought and, anyway, it’s not like he’s going to stay here forever. He’s nothing if not adaptable, after all. 

Ernst nudges Hanschen’s shoulder and points to a car across the parking lot. “ _My mom’s here._ ”

Hanschen nods, somehow simultaneously feeling better and worse about this whole thing. Ernst notices his troubled thoughts and nudges his shoulder again, this time in reassurance.

" _Hey, don't think we'll have to hide forever_ ," he signs. " _Someday I'm going to move away from here and have a house full of rainbows and cats and the most amazing husband._ "

Hanschen laughs a little at that, because that sounds exactly like what Ernst would aspire to and, honestly, it sounds like something he'd like as well.

" _I'm never going to stop loving my family or my God_ ," he continues, " _but I'm also never going to stop being myself, either._ "

" _Thanks, Ernst_ ," Hanschen signs, a grin gracing his lips.

" _No, thank_ you _,_ " he replies. " _I would have worried all night if you hadn't returned my hoodie_."

Hanschen's smile grows ever wider at that. It's also exactly like Ernst to say such deeply profound things only to circle back to something so superficial. Hanschen kind of loves him for it.

" _I've got to go now,_ " Ernst signs. " _I'll see you at school tomorrow, though, okay?_ "

" _Yeah, see you_ ," Hanschen replies absentmindedly.

He stays by that church until Ernst's mother's car has driven away, before returning home. The evening is much darker now than it had been when he'd arrived and air is almost chilly, but Hanschen has an inexplicable feeling that things are looking up.

**Author's Note:**

> Come yell with me about these kiddos on Tumblr @thea-and-melitta! Thanks for reading!


End file.
